Dear Shelby,
I just found out a guy I really like only sees me as a “buddy.” I am devastated by this and I’m not sure what to do. Do I accept this and try to just be friends with him, or do I stay open to the hope that one day he might like me more than that? I don’t know how to walk through this without shutting off or freaking out. What do I do?
Signed, Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken,
It can feel so hurtful to be seen as only a “buddy.” I guess my first thought is–are you doing anything to make yourself seem like more than a buddy? And do you want to? You can either accept that the two of you will be good friends, which might not seem so great right now, but could turn into a wonderful friendship, or you can choose to show him more of the romantic/sexy/girlfriend parts of you to see if that helps him see you any differently. You need to decide if you are ready to accept this buddy fate, or if you want to amp things up just a bit by showing him other parts of your personality.
If you decide to accept the buddy status, then you need to acknowledge your feelings as you feel them without judgment. Don’t be mad at yourself or him when you feel that pang of heartache. Just acknowledge–Yes, there it is–that feeling of yearning for him. Then, like you would with hunger, or tiredness, ask yourself what you need. If you feel hungry, you decide what to eat. If you feel tired, you decide if you should nap, or drink some coffee. With the yearning, acknowledge the feeling and then decide what you need to move through it. Do you need a cry? A funny you-tube video? A drink of water? A prayer? How can you acknowledge and take care of your feelings without getting wrapped up in them for hours….that’s the key. Sometimes talking helps, but with some of my clients, they over-talk things, over process things, and really, a quick soothing action (like a deep breath and a drink of water) and then moving on to something else is the best approach.
If you want to show him you can be more than a buddy, you have to be aware of what kind of energy you bring into your interactions with him. Jill Bolte Taylor is a neuroscientist who had a stroke and was incredibly cognizant of her brain shutting down, due to her training. She wrote a book called “Stroke of Insight” which I highly recommend. In it, she talks about how her analytical abilities were gone, but her intuitive/empathic abilities remained (because of where the blood burst happened and what it damaged). She was in a coma, but could tell if a doctor or nurse was bringing loving energy into the room. Some ignored her or were gruff. Some were loving and soothing and warm. So now that’s she’s healed, she has a rule about being aware of the energy she is bringing into the room. We can cognitively and verbally say we’re not mad, but still bring angry energy into the room. So you get to start bringing romantic/sexual/sensual energy into some of your interactions with this guy.
I promise you will get through this–in your own time and in your own way. Give yourself some space to feel what you’re feeling and take care of yourself so you can decide how you want to move forward.
Yours,
Shelby
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